I’ve been in and out of blogging over the last year, some of my more regular readers (I’m going to hope and pretend that you exist) may have noticed the huge gap between posts, the tl;dr version of this is that I was in a very serious relationship (the ex was mentioned as the boyfriend here, here and here), that very abruptly ended late this fall. This is me healing, sharing, and figuring it out. This short series is the story of love and heartbreak, the tales of boyfriends past, the self-blame and healing, and finally the story of love that holds it all together.
Finally, after years of being a “true serial monogamist” (Time between boyfriends had been one day to two months prior to this) I had found myself actually single for a decent period of time. A year had gone by since my last break up, and I was doing okay by all standards. I had a great job, was living in the city, going out with friends frequently, and starting to figure out the seminary process (at some point I’ll have to delve more into the whole “call” and seminary thing, but for now, I’ve talked a lot about my call in “Everyone Hates Their Jobs” and briefly in “Hitting the Road“). Things were great! Except that inkling that maybe something was missing? Maybe a significant other? Something like that.
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I had one of those moments today that I’m hoping I won’t relive over and over again in my head. You know how you still remember asking your first grade teacher when her baby was due? Only to be shamed into never ever asking anyone that question ever again? Every once in a while something will remind you of that moment, and all that embarrassment comes back up as if you were still six years old? You know how there are like fifty things like that in your life, and one of them was last week? Yea I had one of those today: I forgot my answer to “Why do you believe in Jesus?”
Now maybe the question wasn’t that simple, but it sure felt that way. The dialogue had gone back and forth on other topics, and eventually my professor asked “Why Jesus? Why not another religion?”
Totally valid question
I was surprised that she kept looking at me, as if not to open the question to the group, but that I was the one who needed to answer. So I started to describe some of the other religions, and then to talk about my personal draw towards Christ as I became a person of faith and how intrinsically I found myself with a need for Jesus. She then says “Well what caused that? Why Jesus?” And somehow I just couldn’t articulate past that point, my brain just stopped functioning, and I literally said “I don’t know.” How the heck did that happen?
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I have one of these faces and personalities that is apparently common enough that everyone has already known some one just like me. This is not a good thing or a bad thing, just funny how often I hear “You remind me so much of my friend in college”, or “Are you sure we don’t know each other? You look so familiar!” I don’t know why this is, and again, I don’t necessarily think it’s a bad thing, so far everyone seems to like my doppelgänger from earlier times in their life, I have yet to have anyone say “You remind me of this person I hated”, so that’s a plus.
I don’t know if it’s that I’m new, that I’m weird, or some combination of the two and many other things, that makes me feel like I stick out like a sore thumb at seminary. Again, not negatively viewing this, but realizing that more times in the day than not when talking to someone I get a squinty-eyed look and then a handshake to the tune of “I don’t know you, hi!” Or I’m the one squintily looking at someone who apparently I’ve met in the last week and a half and who knows my name but whose name has fallen into the deepest abysses of my memory. Read the rest of this entry »
In the wake of last night’s Evolution vs Creationist debate, and in my own embarrassment in my fellow follower’s of Christ (in just their grammar mistakes alone).
The statement makes me cringe, but the “their vs there” thing really makes me sad
I found myself trying to understand why some of the cringeworthy photos I’ve seen of creationists and their beliefs caused such a visceral reaction within me, and I think it’s a problem I have with many biblical-literalist statements (and agnostic/atheistic statements as well) I’ve heard over the years . It just seems to lack a sense of critical thinking. There’s that questioning and wonder that seems to be missing and is replaced by an authoritative knowing that doesn’t sit well with me.
However, I am happy to report, that critical thinking is alive and well at Luther Seminary. We’re not being indoctrinated with “God is good, sin is bad” statements (I mean they’re of course there, just not in the way you’d think), but instead we’re being prepared to be surprised, to be analytical, and to use our minds and our reason in a way that many of us thought wasn’t possible in a theological setting. We’re being given insight into texts that through only a small amount of context can change our whole world views. We’re told by “experts” in these fields that there are more questions than answers. We’re taught to think deeply, constantly. Read the rest of this entry »
I have gotten so practiced in the art of saying “No” that for I don’t know how long I’ve been letting important moments pass me by. Don’t get me wrong, I always take on more than I should. Always. It’s kind of part of who I am now, and something I doubt I’ll ever get away from, but in the last year or two I’ve only let a few things pass by my “No-dar” and the things I said yes to probably weren’t the best choices. You know, they were learning experiences. Yea…learning experiences. You can never learn enough, right? Any way, this last two months or so, I’ve made a drastic change in my life.
I started saying YES.
You just know this guy is lovin’ it
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Seattle actually doesn’t get the most rain in the country, but we have some of the most days of rain. It’s a silly distinction to make, but we do have some beautiful sunny days, and I just wanted to make that clarification. This is how we convince people to visit, and how we maintain tourism. Or at least how I do, I don’t actually know what the tourism department says.
Being known for the rain, it is true we live in a cloudy world most of the time. Seasonal Affective Disorder is not an uncommon cross for many Seattleites to bear. We buy special lamps, go to tanning beds, and have to take supplemental vitamin D. We tend not to use or even own umbrellas, wallowing in the dampness of having to get from outside to inside. There’s an ongoing joke that if you own an umbrella you’re not really from Seattle. I own three umbrellas and I couldn’t tell you where they are, or when the last time was that I used one. Read the rest of this entry »
Friend: I hope the weather is nice for my party tomorrow.
Me: I’m sure it’ll be fine, we’ve had a good summer.
Friend: You should ask God to make sure it’s warm and sunny so we can swim.
Me: Hah! Okay sure, want to pray with me? (subnote: ever the overeager Christian!)
Friend: Mm..No, I think God actually hears your prayers, so you should just do it, I don’t want to.
Me: Well…but…okay. God please give us sunny weather tomorrow so we can go swimming, Amen.
This is a conversation I have more often than I would have expected. It usually is in a joking way, something simple like the weather or for traffic to be manageable. Sometimes it’s for more serious requests, still asked in a joking tone of course. I keep wondering though, Why not skip the middle man and pray yourself?
Why not pray? Read the rest of this entry »
Recently I went with my family for a weekend trip to LA to visit my uncle who has been recovering from a stroke. My grandma who lives in Seattle has been basically living with him to be his caregiver. When we were getting ready to board the plane and having breakfast I mentioned to my mom that if Grandma needed any help I would be willing and able, since I am a caregiver for a living and my client needs far more care than my uncle did. I hadn’t realized my family had gotten a hotel nearby, so when I offered to stay at the house myself with my uncle and grandma my mom was surprised, but made the offer.
While talking about it she let me know that I didn’t have to stay there if I didn’t want to, and maybe I needed a vacation too.
I don’t think I know how to vacation anymore. Read the rest of this entry »